i’m dumb. i haven’t been sleeping much. i can’t even explain why. i just keep procrastinating sleep. but i’m so tired. i should be studying for my finals as much as possible, but i haven’t been doing that either. trying not to get anxious about it - failing. i have to wake up in 4-5 hours to go to work. i’m going to the library after, but i’ll probably just end up not working there. i want this week to be over so i can go home for winter break. what is wrong with me?
i want out
when it’s bad, it’s bad.
i’m definitely doing better than i was a few years ago, but i’ve been struggling again. most of the time i feel normal, but i’ve been getting really overwhelmed and upset and anxious at times. when that happens, self injuring or committing suicide seems like the best solution. i know it isn’t when i’m calm and rational, but when i’m upset, i’m obviously neither of those things.
last semester was a mess. i couldn’t get anything done. absolutely no motivation, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t make myself to anything. i can’t believe i passed all my classes (though i did end up withdrawing from class one a month and a half into it). i think having a job and being a full time student is too much on me. too much stimulation and activity.
i am excited to go back to school. for new classes and for getting away from my parents. i’m hoping next semester will go better than the last. we’ll see. i’ll look for a new therapist, i suppose. but anyway, my parents. they argue so often. the yelling really bothers me. it triggers a lot of old anxiety and childhood trauma that i thought i had gotten over. i’m angry. i want them to stop yelling all the time. they were divorced for 7 years, then decided it’d be a good idea to get better. that’s cool if it makes them happy, but it doesn’t seem to. they wanted to get married again, but i didn’t sign up for this. it was a relief when they got divorced. and now… i can’t take the yelling. they yell at me, too. they’ll be mad at each other and yell at me. or just yell because apparently that’s the only form of communication they’re capable of. sorry that i dropped something and made a loud noise!! that doesn’t warrant being screamed at, though!
the break up. i’m not taking it very well. it’s been over a month and it still feels as awful as it did then. i love him. he promised me forever and said he wouldn’t hurt me. he lied and he did it hurt me. it still hurts and hasn’t started hurting and less and i don’t think it will. i just try not to think about it. i can’t always not think about it, though. when i can’t stop it, it’s unbearable. i miss him. i hate all of this. i’m love him and i’m so angry with him for doing this to me. we’re friends, now, which maybe is not the best idea, but i’d miss him so much. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to forgive him, though.
this was longer than i intended. month and a half left before i get to go back to school. fuck.
why am i so trusting and forgiving? it only leads me to getting hurt and fucked over again and again.
i think a lot of mental health professionals tend to put people in a box and refuse to ever see them outside of it. i can feel stressed or emotional or become briefly irritable without it being a symptom of an illness.